10 Easy Ways to Increase Your Child’s Anxiety
This blog has been updated from the original June 2020 post.
Yes, you read that right…ways you can increase your child’s anxiety.
While anxiety is not a parent’s fault, sometimes parents can do things that don’t help their children’s anxiety. I wish when my children were younger someone would have told me that as a parent I may be at times my child’s greatest source of anxiety.
As parents, especially with a first child, it’s easy to worry about everything and I do mean everything. The hovering begins early, and sometimes for very good reasons, but then it doesn’t end.
Ideally, we want our children to recognize what they feel, and then understand that a feeling is not a fact. Then we want them to face their fear, and sometimes that requires some extra support or information from us in the beginning. Of course, each child is unique.
Here is a non-exhaustive list from a San Diego Child Therapy Specialist in San Marcos, of ways we as parents sometimes increase our child’s anxiety.
1. Over protect
It’s a basic parental responsibility to protect children from danger and harm. However, we often also try to protect them from things that are not dangerous. We miscalculate the risk or play a movie about what could happen. We feel anxious, or nervous about the situation or for our child, and we discourage their participation. Sometimes we even refuse to allow them to try something new out of our fear.
2. Over push
Is there a time to push a child out of their comfort zone? Absolutely! We want to help our children stretch, grow, and learn new things. However, our ambitions for our children can become excessive. We see “potential” and want them to succeed at everything. Sometimes we want something for our children, even more than they do. Many children feel this kind of pressure and it creates a lot of anxiety. When we over-push past our child’s tolerance, it can backfire. Some children will comply outwardly, and resent inwardly. Others will openly resist.
3. Rescue
This is similar to overprotection. The moment our child struggles we rush in to help, or “save” them from a distressing situation, that is not necessarily dangerous. In the long run, this can interfere with a child's learning to cope with feelings of discomfort or fear that come with trying new things. There is also a covert message that can be communicated. The message is we don’t believe in our children to face challenges and succeed.
4. Blow up
It can be easy to lose our cool when we view risk only from our adult perspective. Of course, our children can learn to swim but they don’t know that yet. So they dig in their heels. We may think, “Why are they being so stubborn?” It’s easy to forget our child’s brain may be hijacked by fear. Their “Fight, flight, or freeze” response may be in high gear. What are they afraid of? Fear of getting hurt? Fear of failing? Fear of embarrassment? Whatever the reason, feeling scared is real. Children generally are not trying to be difficult or disobey. When we get frustrated with our child in these moments, they can feel additional anxiety about “making us mad”.
5. Avoid
Sometimes it can feel easier to allow a child to avoid things that are uncomfortable because their discomfort is uncomfortable for us. We can set an example of avoidance. We have to ask ourselves if we are trying to keep the peace, take the road of least resistance, and not upset our child. Our avoidance as parents can reinforce our child’s avoidance.
6. Over schedule
All humans need some downtime. Some of us, maybe your child, are wired to need a lot of downtime. When some children are dragged to endless extra-curricular activities after school and on the weekends, they get overloaded. We need to be aware of how our family’s schedule can increase our child’s anxiety and our own, especially during busier times of the year. When this article was originally written in 2020 there were few to no extra-curricular activities. How was that for you and your family? For some family members less go, go, go can reduce their anxiety.
7. Humiliate
I would like to think that parents never humiliate, but I know for a fact, many people experience being humiliated by a parent. I have sat with adults who recounted stories of parents humiliating them, by ridiculing them for being afraid. When we tease a child when they feel afraid, tell them they are a chicken or a baby, we risk teaching our children to feel ashamed of what they feel.
8. Overexpose
Some children are more sensitive to what they watch on movies, social media, and the Internet. Your child might be one of those children who hear about something in the news and becomes afraid that they will also experience the same thing. Monitoring what news and media our children consume is important. So is monitoring how we discuss current events in our homes.
9. Disregard
When we tell our children there is nothing to be worried about or “don’t worry”, we discount their feelings. We shut them down to what they feel. Before a person can learn to cope well and respond to feelings, they have to be able to recognize what they feel. Discounted or disregarded feelings get buried to resurface later. Additionally, it is not a good thing for a child to grow up believing that their feelings don’t matter.
10. Ignore your anxiety
Anxiety can be contagious. Children take cues from their parents. Some of us also have a predisposition to anxiety. The “why” is not as important as taking action to lessen the impact of anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety, the best thing you can do to help your child is get the support you need to manage your anxiety.