7 Things to Remember as a Parent When You’re Stressed.

Stress can come from many sources. Work, finances, health issues, caring for dependents, holidays. The list is endless.

While earning hours toward a Marriage and Family Therapy license, I interned at San Diego Hospice and the Center for Palliative Care. I often worked with adults faced with grieving the loss of their spouse while parenting their children. We provided a document to parents called, “Parenting During Stress and Loss”.

After I moved on to other internships, I found that many of the principles of the document applied to parents in other difficult life circumstances trying to parent well. The following list is my modified version of the information I obtained at San Diego Hospice. I don’t know if SDH created the source document.  

My list below includes 7 things to remember, contained in the acronym, “RESPOND”. How you purposely choose to respond to your children amid grief, loss, and other stressful events is incredibly important.

1. Remember & Respect Differences

Whatever you and your family are going through, each person has feelings about it. Not all family members feel the same way you do about what is happening. Children cannot be expected to think and behave like adults in response to what is happening. A child’s developmental level and maturity have to be considered. A wide range of feelings accompany stressful life events. You may not understand your child’s responses to what is happening.  What’s important is to accept that your child feels what they feel.

2. Expression

Along the same lines, accept your feelings, and allow yourself to feel those feelings. Expressing your feelings in healthy ways, models to your children what to do with their feelings.  This doesn’t mean as a parent, you should overburden your children with adult themes or share everything you feel. If your child sees you crying, say, “I am feeling sad right now”. Then share why you feel sad like “I miss grandma”. While it’s your job to get adult support, a child expressing concern for you means they are developing empathy for others.

Additionally, the more comfortable you are with your feelings, the easier it will be to allow your children to express theirs. Keep in mind that there is a continuum in how individuals express feelings. Some people feel things more intensely than others. Most people want to express their feelings in their way when they’re ready. With a loss, sometimes there are expectations of how and when adults and children should share or talk about what’s going on. For kids, playing, creating art, and writing can be a more apt way to express themselves, than talking. 

3. Set Limits & Provide Predictability

When faced with challenges, it’s harder to parent with consistency. Setting limits, enforcing rules, and maintaining routines can feel less important. You may want to be more lenient because of what your kids are experiencing. The limits, rules, and routines help your children feel like their family is solid. Even though you all are going through something uncontrollable, your kids need day-to-day life to be as predictable as possible. Clear boundaries also help children manage their behaviors while under stress.

While some parents may become more lenient during hard times, it can also be easy to become more reactive and harsh when you’re stressed. You may be trying to hold it all together.

Finding an outlet to express your emotions appropriately is so important. That outlet might be a combination of things. It may include regular walks with a friend, attending a support group, and sessions with a therapist. Unexpressed, unacknowledged feelings have a way of coming out on your family.

4. Patience

Be patient with yourself, your children, and the process. Parents are often very critical of themselves, especially when life at home is stressful. You’re not a bad parent because you’re going through a difficult life event and feeling strong emotions. If you are impatient and unkind to yourself it will be harder to be patient and kind with your children.

When your family is going through a difficult life event, your children live in the space of how you’re handling it. If you are tense, shut down, or arguing with another parent this adds to your children’s stress. They may cling because they feel insecure and fearful you will leave them. They may test limits more and become aggressive toward others. Your child needs your patience along with loving boundaries during these times.

5. Open & Honest Communication

When your family is experiencing a loss or other stressful event, it’s tempting to conceal things from children. Out of love, you might consider lying to them.  Telling the truth, in an age-appropriate way with care, is the better choice.

Your children trust you as their parent. If you lie to them, they will believe what you tell them. When you conceal things from your children, they draw false conclusions and fill in gaps with their vivid imaginations. This can have far-reaching consequences.

Sometimes children may want to talk about what is going on and will ask lots of questions. Questions may center around how things are currently, or about thoughts and fears about the future. The important thing is that your child feels heard, not that you have all the answers.

It’s okay to tell your child, “I don’t know” when you don’t know. Around death, kids ask questions when they need to know. As a parent, you can provide simple, yet truthful facts about stressful events. When you give facts, it helps your child to deal with the unknown and feel more secure within the unpredictable.

6. Nurture

Nurture relationships within your family. This is of course always important, but never more important than now. You need one another more than ever when life is difficult. Place a high value on family time, and one-to-one time with each of your children. This will go a long way to help them feel more secure when they need it most.

If you become unavailable to your children during times of stress or loss, your children experience an additional loss. They need you to be able to show up for them. They need a demonstration of how to cope in positive ways. Nurture your soul through spiritual practices and connection with God. Nourish and rest your body. Soothe your mind with music.

7. Delegate

You don’t have to carry all the weight, all by yourself. During a loss or other stressful life event, it’s important to accept help. Asking for and accepting help from family and friends when needed is not a sign of weakness. It demonstrates to your children how people need each other. It also allows them to experience good in the world when their family is going through something not so good.

Delegating things to others frees up some of your time so you can nurture yourself and spend more quality time with your children. Additionally, delegating age-appropriate responsibilities to your children builds their sense of being valued members of the family who contribute.

Consultation for Parent Coaching from a Child Therapist in San Marcos, CA.

If you’re struggling amid a loss or other stressful life event, and want to RESPOND to your children positively, I can help.

To book a consultation for Parent Coaching or Therapy in San Marcos, please visit my Contact page to be linked to my scheduling calendar.

Source: Center for Grief Care and Education at San Diego Hospice and Palliative Care