8 Things to Say to an Anxious Child.
You’re caught in that moment again with your child and their anxiety. The “What if”. What if I do badly on the math test? What if no one likes me? What if I get hurt? What if someone laughs at me?
The worried thoughts bubble up and your child starts feeling nervous. Then that nervous feeling doesn’t feel very good. Their stomach hurts or their breathing becomes more shallow. Which in and of itself becomes something they worry about.
You can see the wheels turning in their head. The more they think about what could happen, the worse they feel. They may even plead with you to help in some way. You want to help. And shouldn’t you help? The thing with your child's anxiety is you may tend to over-help or rush in to fix the problem. It’s understandable because it is a powerless feeling to see your child struggling. So… what do you say to an Anxious Child?
Are there words to make your child’s anxiety feel better?
As a Child Therapist in San Marcos, I wish I had magic words to help your child instantly feel better. Here’s the thing: adults often focus too much on the words and talk too much, in general at kids.
Charles Shultz, in his comic "Peanuts" got it right, when all kids heard when adults spoke was wah, wah-wah, wah. Think about the things you say over and over. It’s time to get up. Are you hungry? Let’s go. Get in the car. Do you have homework? Did you wash your hands? Rinse your dishes. Put your dirty clothes in the hamper. Hang up your towel. Did you do your homework? Brush your teeth. Clean up your room. It’s time to go to bed.
Parent phrases replay endlessly. If a child is expressing some worry it’s easy to get into a pattern of saying the same thing again and again in response. “I told you it's going to be fine”, “There is nothing to worry about”, “You're going to be okay”, and “Don’t worry”. After that, you may share reasons why there is nothing for them to worry about. You may provide lots of rational information or instruction. At a certain point, kids tune out. Wah, wah-wah, wah.
It’s difficult for an anxious child to listen in a moment of panic.
They tune out and do not hear your words because their thinking brain is temporarily offline. That can be when you try harder to get through, using even more words.
I want you to consider something before you try to find the right words. I want you to consider what to do. Not what you need to make them do, but what you have the power to do. Consider what you have power over. You have power over you. With that power, I want you to focus on what you can do.
What If instead of saying anything, you did a few things first? As a child therapist, I have a few suggestions below.
4 things to do before you say anything to an anxious child.
1. Check your emotions
Are you grounded and calm before you respond to your child when they’re expressing worry or feeling anxious? How is the tone and volume of your voice? How tense is your facial expression? Are you smiling through gritted teeth? What about your body? It’s easy to loom large and not consider how big and scary we can be. Are you clenching, glaring, embarrassed?
Are you reacting out of your anxiety? Your anxiety can look like impatience. Maybe you’re worried your child’s anxiety is going to make it difficult for you to get to work on time. Perhaps their anxious moment is happening when you have less ability to deal with it. Are you tired, hungry, or stressed about another situation? Is it the end of the long day when your child is having an anxious moment?
Stop and consider what you might need so that you are not interacting with annoyance or irritability. Find a way to take a small break. Walk around the block, drink some cold water, close your eyes for a few minutes, and say a prayer. Get yourself in a better place to respond.
2. Take a deep breath or two or three
You’re thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah or wah, wah-wah, wah. I know deep breathing is important. I try to get my child to do it all the time! Many parents know that deep breathing is important when anxiety is involved. However, it’s easier to get focused on getting your child to breathe in the moment, versus getting yourself really calm.
Before you say anything to your child, stop and breathe deeply several times. Then smile. You don’t need to tell your child you are deep breathing to calm down. This can imply that you are exasperated by them and their anxiety is just too much for you to handle.
Just show them. Don’t tell them. Show them but not as a way to demonstrate to them how to do it like a skill lesson. Just do it to calm yourself down with no ulterior motive. Children learn so much more from how we act than what we say.
3. Check yourself again
So, you’ve checked yourself, taken a break if you could manage it, and deeply breathed. Now what? Check your goals and motives. This may not be possible at the moment. So this is something you need to think about before the anxiety strikes. Something you keep in your back pocket for an anxious moment. Keep the longer view of your child, their future, and their anxiety in mind. Stop and consider your longer-term parenting goals. Do you want your child to be confident, independent, and resilient? How you interact with your child in anxious moments can have a bearing on all these traits. That doesn’t mean that you have caused their anxiety.
If you have ever dealt with your anxiety, this might be easier to do. If you are someone who never has experienced anxiety, then this may be challenging. Your child needs you to look past the anxiety and really see them in the moment. See they feel really afraid, but are not incapable. Have compassion but don’t let it get in the way. If you rescue them they won’t learn they can do the hard thing.
4. Listen to them
The next, really important thing you can do is listen. Listening is not just hearing. I know it can be hard to listen to something you don’t understand. You don’t have to understand your child’s anxiety to help them feel heard and understood.
You can totally know that their fear is unfounded. Which is honestly hard to listen to for most parents. You may naturally respond in a very logical, rational way. Is that wrong? Technically, no. I’m sure your answer is probably spot-on correct but this isn't about being correct. (at least not in the anxious moment).
If you have to be correct right out of the gate your child can feel like you are trampling on their feelings. And you may say…yes, but my child is so sensitive- they need to toughen up. I would agree that they need to learn more tolerance for distress if that’s what you mean. But that isn’t something you can force on someone else. You can’t talk someone out of their anxiety no matter how logical your argument or how well you speak.
In some cases, you’re just putting the cart before the horse, that's all. Don’t misunderstand me. We do want to tell children facts and truth. It’s just when you aren’t able to stop and listen, you discount their real feeling of fear.
And your child may tell you that you don’t listen to them or you aren’t listening to them. Which may feel confusing. You may even feel defensive because of all the times you’ve dealt with their anxiety.
It is really important but also incredibly hard to sit with another person’s pain or discomfort, especially your child’s, and listen. It can bring up your own stuff. That’s why you have to learn to get yourself calm, grounded, and focused for these moments so you can listen.
Your child needs you to have compassion in your eyes and heart. They need to know that you get them. Then you can guide them with your knowledge and kind, patient words.
A Child therapist’s suggestions on helpful things to say to your child when they’re anxious.
Some of these suggestions are things to say before your child faces something they feel worried about. It might be the week before, the night before. There isn’t a lot you can say to a child when they are in the midst of an anxious moment but I offer a couple of ideas. As I shared earlier in this blog, their thinking brain may have gone offline, so talking to them when they feel really anxious or panicky isn’t that effective. Some of my suggestions are for after the anxiety-provoking moment has passed.
Many of my suggestions may be things you already say. Keep up the good work!
I believe in you. I know you can do this.
This might be a good thing to say before and during an anxious event that is causing your child to worry or stress out. Let them know you believe in their ability to do the thing, to manage and make it through.
Let's do something that helps you feel calmer.
This is something most helpful to talk about when your child is not feeling anxious. Practicing ways to calm yourself when you’re calm helps build your child's memory of what to do. The skills become easier to access when stressed out. These ways of calming down may be things you have taught your child. Or ways they have learned from books, counselors, teachers, and media.
Once you notice their anxiety or hear them express a worry, is a time you can provide a gentle reminder. "Remember how you've been practicing what to do when you start to feel nervous?". "Let's try one of those. I'll do it with you."
One reminder here. While deep breathing is an important calming tool, it can be difficult to learn how to do it. Also, many anxious kids struggle to take deep breaths once upset.
I am right here with you.
This phrase is most helpful when your child is learning something new. The thing feels scary because of the loss of control feeling. It is beyond their physical mastery. It's learning things like riding a bike, swimming, riding a board, or skating.
You are right there beside them over and over, until they get it. You’re holding them and lending them your strength and support. When your child can do something on their own, and it's not dangerous for them to do so, they may still feel anxious. That doesn't mean you need to stay with them. It means they need to build courage and cope with the momentary discomfort they feel.
A good example is when parents sleep with their child night after night after night. While your child may be afraid to sleep alone or go to school, they will not get hurt if you are not right beside them.
Let’s practice together!
Role-playing and rehearsing things can help kids who are feeling anxious. They feel nervous about reading or presenting in front of the class. They get nervous about talking to a coach or teacher. Getting them to rehearse with you what they will say helps them visualize being able to do it in the future. It also takes the edge off. However, this can backfire if you are critical when they are practicing. They need specific praise for what they are doing well. “I like the way you looked up when you were talking”. Finding something they are doing well will encourage them.
I’ll be right here when you’re done (doing the scary/difficult thing)
I’ll be right here after school, I’ll be right here at the end of practice. I’ll be right here at the edge of the pool cheering you on. I’ll be right here in the audience. And when they’re done you’re there, with your lit-up face, ready to give them a big hug.
So, how was it?
When your child does something they worried about or felt scared to do, and then they do it, you want to celebrate. But before you gush all over them, try asking them how it felt to do the thing they thought they couldn’t do. A moment of reflection can be helpful.
Anxious kids are often in their heads thinking about how it will be in the future. You want them to be in the moment. To notice when things go well instead of the bad way they pictured it. If they focus on the negative aspects of how it went, encourage them to tell you one thing that went well.
How do you feel now?
It’s just like a therapist to throw this one in, right? You want your child to also notice how they feel. Maybe they still feel a little scared, or maybe they feel excited to do it again, or relieved. If they feel proud of themselves, you want them to remember that moment. It’s something they can recall, and draw on when they need courage in the future.
I am proud of you.
After they tell you how it was for them, then chime in and let them know how proud you are of them. Even if they still feel scared, or say they never want to do it again. They moved toward the difficult thing and your recognition of that is worth gold.
Free consultation for Child Therapy in San Marcos, CA for Kids with Anxiety.
If you’re frustrated in your interactions with your anxious child and ready for things to change, book a free, 15-minute phone consultation. My name is Tami and as a therapist in San Marcos who specializes in Child Therapy for anxious, elementary-school-aged kids I can help.
I use a combination of Art Therapy, therapeutic play, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy interventions to help children learn skills, express themselves, and move forward with more courage. If you're ready to get started, click the button below.
Here are some other blogs that provide ideas in helping you and your kids cope with stress and anxiety.
